Part 1
The night before last, Presley woke up coughing because of her bronchitis around 4AM. I took her a glass of water, and she took a sip then went back to bed. She woke up 5 minutes later coughing and asking for water. I went up stairs and gave her some more water, but I decided to stay in her bed with her in case she woke up again. She woke up 3 more times every 5 minutes coughing and asking for water, and I was always right there to reach over and hand her the cup of water. About an hour after the last time that she woke up, I woke up in her bed, and she was sound asleep. My job there was done, and I felt like the best dad in the world!
Part 2
I woke Presley up at 10:15 this morning with uneasiness in my belly. She usually wakes up around 8:00:
Me: Presley, good morning!
(pause)
Me: Hey Presley, look at me............. Did you wake up last night and call for daddy?
Presley shook her head "yes" as she was waking up.
Me: Did you cry?
P1: For a long time.
That was the conversation I had with Presley this morning, and it broke my heart.
When I woke up this morning around 8:30, I felt so refreshed. Presley had been waking up in the middle of the night because of her bronchitis over the past few nights, but last night, I said to Lora, “Presley didn’t wake up at all.” Five minutes later, after we were out of bed, Lora looked at me and said, “We forgot to turn on Presley’s monitor last night.”
The longer Presley slept this morning, the more I feared that she had in fact been awake at some point during the night, and as I woke her up this morning, my fears were realized. Lora turns off the monitor every morning because it makes a weird buzzing sound, but this time, for the first time, we did not turn it back on. Presley’s eyes are puffy, probably from crying, but she really isn’t acting like last night bothered her at all, but it is one of those things as a parent, I still feel guilty about.
It is amazing what a difference one night makes in my perception of myself as a father. The fact that Presley isn’t acting like it affected her negatively, has made it a little bit easier to write off as “just an accident,” but I promise you I will never forget to turn on her monitor again. Presley, if you ever read this, I hope you have no recollection of last night. I love you.
That makes me incredibly sad for both of you.
ReplyDeleteIt really does hurt you more than it does her. She is over it.
I started to say, that likewise, your pain hurts me more than it does you, but that's not true. You were hurt because of your child's hurt, as I am hurt because of my child's (and grandchild's) hurt. I know I feel it no more than you do - you're such a devoted dad.
When something like that happens, you learn from it (as you did), then you must forgive yourself (guilt is a useless & destructive emotion), let it go, and then go on a wiser person.
Seriously, let it go.